When I was studying at University I was had a friend that came to me completely mortified.
Apparently her and her partner had been in the process of enjoying each other’s company when, due to the audible sound of a vibrator, one of her room mates were notified of the situation. They then proceeded to grab their phone, linger by the door and record the entire love-making occasion (or the audio, at least).
That person is what is officially known as ‘A Scumbucket.’
Not only is it extremely offensive to record someone’s private activities but, seriously? Hauling up at someone’s door just to record some buzzing, moaning noises, and the occasional heavy breathing? Where is your life at if that’s your idea of a perfectly suitable evening activity. I hope that person looks back at that incident sometimes wondering what the fuck they were doing because, for my friend, it was a devastating occasion.
When many of us think of sex we often consider it to be a screaming, roaring occasion. More than once I’ve wrote a review where I considered the quality of the toy based on the amount of involuntary moans it elicited in me, or how loud I chose to shout out. However, for some people quiet sex isn’t just preferable but may actually be a necessity.
Student accommodation is just one of the locational restrictions that might necessitate quiet sex but so too could living at home, living in sheltered accommodation, staying in a hotel or with family, or living with kids.
There are few mood killers as potent as looking in the doorway and seeing your tyke staring on, wondering what kind of tickling match their parents are getting in to.
Religious restrictions, social, or emotional constraints might also mean that silence is incredibly important. For some people self-pleasure comes with a high level of risk and this risk needs to be given due consideration.
In such situations a quiet vibrator or silent sex toy will likely be required – or, at the very least, desired – but what sex toys are the quietest?
Every damned sex toy company out there seems to claim that their products are ‘whisper quiet’ even if there’s absolutely no way that this would be possible. So how can people cut through the BS?
I’m not going to sell you some idea that there is one single toy out there that is the clear and most definitive quiet vibrator or sex toy. Instead, I’m going to give you a rough idea of which toys I have found to be most productive for silent sex.
Hopefully this will help those who, for one reason or another, truly need it.
#1 Smaller Toys
Sorry guys, but I rarely find a wand without a roar to its motor. It’s just not logistically likely.
If silence is your number one priority then you’re going to be looking at smaller toys. I’m talking bullets, eggs, beads, and the like. App-based toys often fall in to this category too, and these are great if you want precise control of the sound and strength of your toy.
These toys come with the downside that they are often less powerful then their counterparts but this isn’t always the case.
Motor technology has come quite a far way in toys since I first started reviewing products and I’ve found that a lot of modern mini vibes pack a punch all their own. Having said that, there does tend to be a lot of variety in strength, potency, and sound.
My advice? Read reviews for any small vibe that you’re considering. If in doubt then reach out to a sex toy reviewer and ask just how quiet the toy is. We don’t bite and love to hear from our readers.
#2 Modern Suction-Based Toys
Don’t get one of the older models – they sound like a choo-choo train trying to let passengers know that they’ve rocked up at the platform.
Most of the newer modern suction-based toys, on the other hand, have really focused on getting themselves as close to a gentle pitter-patter noise as they possibly can. Most have succeeded too, which I’m happy to report.
For bonus silent points always make sure that you’ve positioned your suction toy before turning it on and then make sure that you turn it off after climax before removing it from the body. This will minimize the sound even more.
#3 Waterproof Toys
The benefit here isn’t necessarily that these toys are quieter but, instead, that the situations in which waterproof toys can be used in are noise-reducing or distracting.
When a shower is pitter pattering then the sound of a vibrator is likely to come out as the loudest noise.
Conversely, when a vibrator is submerged, its noise is obfuscated by the protective surface of the water secluding it.
In both cases the result is the same – a toy that is less likely to be heard and a user that is more likely to be satisfied.
I know, I know – these sound intimidating but most E-Stim toys are completely in your control in terms of potency, they start with a very gentle tingling (almost a tickle) and you never need to try the more intense stinging or jolting sensations if you don’t want to.
Electricity doesn’t really produce much of a noise unless you’re really ramping things up. Neon Wands are the exception from my experience but, even then, the sound is much quieter than many toys.
Plus you get to play around with different sensations with such toys, which is always a fun experience.
#5 Toys You Can Try In Advance
This one is a given but it shouldn’t be underestimated.
The toy most suited to your needs is one that you’ve had a chance to try in advance.
Go in to a local adult store that has testers and allow yourself to try the toys they have on display. Go for the above categories to eliminate any toys that won’t be suitable and then try out what’s on offer.
Focus on sound, strength, shape, and size in order to figure out if the toy will meet your needs. I know sound is your priority but there’s no point getting a quiet toy if it does nothing for you in practice.
Also remember that the store itself might be producing considerable noise and consider this in contrast to the location you will likely use your toy in.
Even with the sound difference, however, this is likely going to be the best way to determine the right toy for you.
So There You Have It!
My quick guide to finding a quiet vibrator or toy that is likely to meet your needs.
I hope you find this article useful and please do comment if you know of or want to recommend any silent toys.
Helping each other out is one of the most awesome parts of the adult community, so let’s speak out loud about our silent favourites!