When I was studying at University I was had a friend that came to me completely mortified.

Apparently her and her partner had been in the process of enjoying each other’s company when, due to the audible sound of a vibrator, one of her room mates were notified of the situation. They then proceeded to grab their phone, linger by the door and record the entire love-making occasion (or the audio, at least).

That person is what is officially known as ‘A Scumbucket.’

Not only is it extremely offensive to record someone’s private activities but, seriously? Hauling up at someone’s door just to record some buzzing, moaning noises, and the occasional heavy breathing? Where is your life at if that’s your idea of a perfectly suitable evening activity. I hope that person looks back at that incident sometimes wondering what the fuck they were doing because, for my friend, it was a devastating occasion.

When many of us think of sex we often consider it to be a screaming, roaring occasion. More than once I’ve wrote a review where I considered the quality of the toy based on the amount of involuntary moans it elicited in me, or how loud I chose to shout out. However, for some people quiet sex isn’t just preferable but may actually be a necessity.

Student accommodation is just one of the locational restrictions that might necessitate quiet sex but so too could living at home, living in sheltered accommodation, staying in a hotel or with family, or living with kids.

There are few mood killers as potent as looking in the doorway and seeing your tyke staring on, wondering what kind of tickling match their parents are getting in to.

Religious restrictions, social, or emotional constraints might also mean that silence is incredibly important. For some people self-pleasure comes with a high level of risk and this risk needs to be given due consideration.

In such situations a quiet vibrator or silent sex toy will likely be required – or, at the very least, desired – but what sex toys are the quietest?

Every damned sex toy company out there seems to claim that their products are ‘whisper quiet’ even if there’s absolutely no way that this would be possible. So how can people cut through the BS?

I’m not going to sell you some idea that there is one single toy out there that is the clear and most definitive quiet vibrator or sex toy. Instead, I’m going to give you a rough idea of which toys I have found to be most productive for silent sex.

Hopefully this will help those who, for one reason or another, truly need it.

#1 Smaller Toys

Sorry guys, but I rarely find a wand without a roar to its motor. It’s just not logistically likely.

If silence is your number one priority then you’re going to be looking at smaller toys. I’m talking bullets, eggs, beads, and the like. App-based toys often fall in to this category too, and these are great if you want precise control of the sound and strength of your toy.

These toys come with the downside that they are often less powerful then their counterparts but this isn’t always the case.

Motor technology has come quite a far way in toys since I first started reviewing products and I’ve found that a lot of modern mini vibes pack a punch all their own. Having said that, there does tend to be a lot of variety in strength, potency, and sound.

My advice? Read reviews for any small vibe that you’re considering. If in doubt then reach out to a sex toy reviewer and ask just how quiet the toy is. We don’t bite and love to hear from our readers.

#2 Modern Suction-Based Toys

Don’t get one of the older models – they sound like a choo-choo train trying to let passengers know that they’ve rocked up at the platform.

Most of the newer modern suction-based toys, on the other hand, have really focused on getting themselves as close to a gentle pitter-patter noise as they possibly can. Most have succeeded too, which I’m happy to report.

For bonus silent points always make sure that you’ve positioned your suction toy before turning it on and then make sure that you turn it off after climax before removing it from the body. This will minimize the sound even more.

#3 Waterproof Toys

The benefit here isn’t necessarily that these toys are quieter but, instead, that the situations in which waterproof toys can be used in are noise-reducing or distracting.

When a shower is pitter pattering then the sound of a vibrator is likely to come out as the loudest noise.

Conversely, when a vibrator is submerged, its noise is obfuscated by the protective surface of the water secluding it.

In both cases the result is the same – a toy that is less likely to be heard and a user that is more likely to be satisfied.

#4 Electrostimulators 

I know, I know – these sound intimidating but most E-Stim toys are completely in your control in terms of potency, they start with a very gentle tingling (almost a tickle) and you never need to try the more intense stinging or jolting sensations if you don’t want to.

Electricity doesn’t really produce much of a noise unless you’re really ramping things up. Neon Wands are the exception from my experience but, even then, the sound is much quieter than many toys.

Plus you get to play around with different sensations with such toys, which is always a fun experience.

#5 Toys You Can Try In Advance

This one is a given but it shouldn’t be underestimated.

The toy most suited to your needs is one that you’ve had a chance to try in advance.

Go in to a local adult store that has testers and allow yourself to try the toys they have on display. Go for the above categories to eliminate any toys that won’t be suitable and then try out what’s on offer.

Focus on sound, strength, shape, and size in order to figure out if the toy will meet your needs. I know sound is your priority but there’s no point getting a quiet toy if it does nothing for you in practice.

Also remember that the store itself might be producing considerable noise and consider this in contrast to the location you will likely use your toy in.

Even with the sound difference, however, this is likely going to be the best way to determine the right toy for you.

So There You Have It!

My quick guide to finding a quiet vibrator or toy that is likely to meet your needs.

I hope you find this article useful and please do comment if you know of or want to recommend any silent toys.

Helping each other out is one of the most awesome parts of the adult community, so let’s speak out loud about our silent favourites!

The other day I was doing a fitness course with a bunch of lovely individuals, all of whom were aware that I wrote about sex as part of my career.

It was while deflating a giant watermelon beach ball that the topic inevitably came up again. As I mounted and gripped my thighs around the speckled green surface of the balloon-like mount conversations about sex swings, colour changing cucumbers, and vibrating aubergines inevitably followed.

One of the girls, as part of our chuckling conversation openly exclaimed “I’d just rather have a penis!” and we all let out a roar of laughter. Then some minors entered the area and our explicit conversation faded away as we got back in to fitness mode.

It wasn’t until later that we resumed the conversation, this time in a more muted manner (the lack of an inflatable watermelon between one’s thighs tends to elevate the mood of a conversation, funnily enough). It was during this natter that someone lovingly exhaled again as they said “I just really love cock.”

“Me too” I purred back.

“Really?” they said, seeming surprised. “Then why do you use sex toys”

“Because a sex toy is not a cock” I responded “And I like what they have to offer too.”

There was a moments ponderance.

“Okay, think about it this way. We’re all fitness professionals right?”

“Right”

“And we know that there are different ways to get an effective workout”

A nod.

“As part of staying fit and healthy bodyweight exercises are amazing. We have, with just our bodies, everything we need to stay fit, healthy, and capable of great things for the rest of our lives. But that doesn’t stop us from enjoying trying other options too”

Another, more agreeing nod.

“A push up is brilliant but sometimes we just really fancy hitting the barbell, or playing around with a balance ball, or even doing something completely crazy like a 2 hour bootcamp session in the mud, rain, and rivers. No equipment that we bring in and enjoy playing with changes the benefits of bodyweight exercises, nor can it ever feel the same, but it’s not trying to, they’re all doing different things and we appreciate and enjoy access to that difference without having to nullify or stop enjoying the benefits of a body.”

There was a moment of thought “…Yeah, that makes sense.”

Then a chuckle.

“God, I’m never going to be able to think of the gym in the same way again!!!”

We all laughed but there was a lot of wisdom in that statement.

What is a gym, after all, if not a place full of objects that aren’t our body but which aim to provide something for our body that we could, if we wished, achieve purely with our bodies alone?

If bodyweight exercises are plain and simple sex then a gym is basically a pleasure palace decked out with every type of sex toy imaginable. Yet we’d never give the same stigma to someone using a barbell to do a bench press rather than a push up that we would someone using a sex toy instead of clawing for cock (or any other genitalia).

Indeed, it seems almost exclusive to sex toys that the idea of bringing in an external force is somehow seen as trying to replace a person’s body part, or in some way trying to be a complete replica of an act or appendage.

Let me be completely frank about this: Ain’t no way that a long rod with a tip the size of a tennis ball and a motor that rivals some washing machines is trying to be a cock. It’s just not even comparable in terms of sensation, shape, or experience.

True, sex toys and sex tend to have similar goals (aka the sexual gratification of all involved), but the process involved is so different that you’re doing both humans and sex toys a disservice to even try and put the two in the same box.

Sex toys belong in the toy box, people are not meant to be put in a box of any kind.

At the end of the day a sex toy has as much of a positive outcome or potential as a dumbbell does. Some will love them, some won’t. Some will have fantastic results, some won’t. And, in all cases, it’s only proper use by a human that will provide the desired outcome.

So, yes, I love cock as much as the next male-interested individual, but I also adore the rumble of my wand, swoon at the sight of a suction toy, and cling to the sheets as I grace my clit with a bullet.

Even among these devices, no two are in anyway similar and each will provide something that is truly and uniquely its own. A butt plug is not a wand, a wand is not a dildo, and a dildo is not a penis, but all of them can be fucking awesome in the right context.

So, next time you find yourself weighing up whether you like genitals or g-spotting vibes stop for a moment and ask yourself how the two could ever match up to each other and, more to the point, as yourself why you’re trying to lock yourself in to just one type of sexual exploration.

As I said before, humans aren’t meant to be relegated to just one box, so deny the reflex to box yourself in to cock/clit or cold turkey.

The world has so much more to offer those who dare.

Lifting the lid of my wicker kink basket, I eye up the various different harnesses on offer and go in to deep thought.

Each and every offering has its own style, practicalities, and personality. Very soon one of them will be placed upon my body and then their character will blend with my and accentuate why own features and mannerisms.

Deciding on a slick vegan offering, I pull out my selection and then move to my other drawer. It’s time to select my cock of choice and this, too, is a significant undertaking.

What’s In a Strap On?

The strap on dildo is a rare and venerable object with a history that spans back as far as that of humankind itself.

Evidence has linked strap on devices to as far back as the Upper Palaeolithic period which is about 10,000-50,000 years ago. At least, that’s what Wikipedia tells me. Ancient China, Greece and India have all shown evidence of strap on dildos and in the 19^th century artist Édouard-Henri Avril gifted us all with a painting of two ladies indulging in strap on interactions, which I think we can all be thankful of.

A print of the image offers a delightful and mesmerising glimpse in to the two women Avril’s mind conjured in to life. Transparent pastel garment has been tossed underneath a thicker, brown fabric still present at the edge of the bed. One of the ladies featured has stripped away her footwear whereas the one sporting a strap on has paired the choice with strappy sandals too.

Unshaven armpits and a full vulva of hair are clearly on display and although the lady lying down is about to receive the intense gaze and grasping motion of her hand suggests full, dominant confidence. It’s no wonder either, as an additional strap on shown to the side suggests that she has just topped herself.

The intricate interplays of identity, self-confidence, and sexual power are all so wonderfully depicted in this image and all of them are equally at play when I pick my own strap on and strap on dildo.

Strap ons aren’t just for LGBTQI individuals, nor are they strictly just for penetration either. Some of my best experiences have been when I lube up, insert the welcoming bulb of a strapless strap on dildo and then play intimately with my new found shaft.

Each tugging hand sensation makes the bulb inside of me nudge up to my G-Spot, creating subtle sensations which I then clench around to feel with more clarity. Rolling eventually on to my side, I squeeze my thighs together and draw it in further. The climaxes are some of the best.

Strap ons, as I suggested at the start of this article, are also much more about roleplay and persona then some might initially imagine. If I’m wearing a pair of strap on briefs then my demeanour is confident…matcho…perhaps even smug. I feel more intertwined with the masculine elements of myself and may become either a butch lady or a wry male depending on where my genderfluidity takes me. All of this is led by the harness itself, it becomes part of the performative nature of my sexual encounter.

In comparison, my mind lights up with the psychopompic possibilities of this pretty-in-pink strap on suspender set. The dildo is PVC – an unforgivable sin – but my mind doesn’t care. It inserts a Vixen Mustang in to the picture instead and a luminescent rainbow wig. Perhaps a piece of bubblegum which I chew in a cavalier manner before blowing a balloon with it and allowing it to pop as I get down to business satisfying a swooning playmate.

Hit me up if you’re down to clown suspender-style.

Strip the façade away and you’re left with the beautiful simplicity of the entry-level and easy to use introductory strap on set. My early strap on experiences were with such products and I have never lost a fondness for them. Not just because they’re so wonderfully simple to adjust and use but also because they tend to come with a dildo included. The more fun to fuck with the better.

One of the best things about strap ons, however, is that even in the case of those that come with a toy you are never limited to just that toy. Strap on harnesses and strap on dildos represent diversity, freedom, and selection in your own sexual style. As long as the O-Ring insert allows it, you are free to mix and max as you choose and to explore all different types of play.

This is something I personally gain and strongly value from strap ons and why, even when I’m independent of a lover, they play an important role in my sexual identity.

Looking back to Édouard-Henri Avril’s piece I see the commanding potency that strap ons have afforded the women featured and I feel the palpable potential that modern society perhaps underplays. Strap ons nowadays are often seen as either taboo, commonplace, or a novelty. An odd combination.

Still, it’s hard to get frustrated about the seemingly contradictory nature of the public’s response to strap ons, precisely because it is so emblematic of the diverse nature of the objects themselves.

A strap on is, at its core, a tool of transformation and the invitation is gives is one of reinvention, affirmation, or just a damned good fuck.

Of course, I don’t knowingly think about all of this when I pick out my harness and strap on dildo. Instead, I’m left there contending with the extensive selection of shafts that I can adorn in that moment. Because, let’s face it, any dildo can become a strap on dildo if it has a flared base, but what that dildo brings to a sexual session (and to you) is another thing altogether.

I love Spring for a variety of reasons.

As a runner it’s one of the most diverse seasons and I’m always grateful to see what it brings.

Last ‘Spring’ the UK was just coming out of ‘The Beast from the East’ where I literally had to dangle out of my downstairs neighbour’s first floor window to try and pour hot water over her drains and defrost her toilet. This year we’ve been met, instead, with sunshine which has been intermittently surprise attacked with intense periods of rain, hail and wind.

A few weekends ago I was at a marathon where I was literally scaling a valley fighting 50mph winds with hail battering my skin (and the Race Director cheekily responding “Hail Caesar” when I saw him on course). By the time the final runner came in on that marathon the sun was out and a rainbow saw them in.

You can’t buy moments like that.

Spring is also where we start waking up to the sun rise rather than continued darkness and, I have to admit, I’m appreciative of that. I like the fact that if I go out on an early morning run then I will greet the sun as it wakes up the world and the birds sing in my slow finish.

Spring also marks a time of year where my sexual desires finally kick back in to gear a bit more.

I don’t know what it is about Winter but I enter somewhat of a sexual dead zone internally.

There’s a lovely picturesque image that comes in to mind every year where I’ll be cosied up in my nice, warm, multi-blanketed bed, snuggled with a wand between my labia and a self-heating toy in my vagina riding out the most snuggly of orgasms. In reality I just collapse in to myself and self-loving becomes an effort. It’s an effort I always believe is important to try and put some work in to but even then it becomes much more intermittent.

Then spring come along and suddenly the withdrawn bud of my clitoris blossoms in to a thriving spring daffodil, launching out its vibrant character in a manner so captivating that it can hardly be ignored.

Just yesterday I go reminded of this when doing an Aqua qualification course.

While sitting out (because I do not handle the chill of a pool very well) I suddenly got to see a very well-defined male individual enter the pool to participate in someone else’s assessment.

He was, by all definitions, built like an ancient Greek hero and this definitely appealed to me – I didn’t know whether or not I was admiring his physical form or just admiring the amount of work it must take to get deltoids that defined – but what caught me most was his smile.

As I watched him working out in the pool I saw him grinning, laughing, bantering with his friend and generally giving it his utmost all. There were certainly moments when he had a steely and serious ‘game face’ on but then there were times where his demeanour  could be described as nothing less than doofy. He was adorkable and, as I watched him, I realized I’d have to stop doing so as I was getting far too riled up for a public setting.

When my friend had finished her assessment I made no qualms of telling her how totally cute her friend was and, when he got out the pool, I literally had to look away as I noticed he had skin-tight, very skimpy Marvel superhero briefs on.

Has a more perfect picture ever existed?

I don’t know, because it would have been supremely unprofessional for me to have gawked any longer and I am nothing if not professional.

This is just one example of how my body and mind begin to recapture the spark of full blown sexual desire when spring begins to settle its way on to the scene and, I have to say, I’m happy for it…but that doesn’t mean I am in any way ungrateful to Winter.

All cards on the table – I basically go Gray A mode when it comes to winter and I know a lot of people that feel the same.

Too often, however, we beat ourselves up about this, wonder “What is wrong with me?”, or fear the feeling will never go away.

But, just like the year, our bodies work in seasons and those seasons sometimes literally align with those of nature. And, although humans like to rank things for our own peace of mind, no season is better or worst than the other. They all simply are and come and go as they’re meant to (well…global warming placed aside for a moment).

Spring has its benefits and also its downsides, winter is crucial for recharging the batteries but it can also bring darkness that many don’t do well with, summer is a scorcher and the intensity of it can often leave people wishing for a release, and Autumn is orange, cinnamon and spice, but it comes with this transitionary uncertainty which seems to be leading towards a finality.

That is how I personally see the seasons as they come in nature but also reflects some of the emotions I attach to them too and I wouldn’t trade a single one for the world. Neither would I trade the wonderful ways that my body likes to show me how transformational it is – how it isn’t just a one trick pony, forever giving exactly the same and offering no variety, challenges, triumphs, and moments of joy.

The reawakening of my body makes me so grateful that it decided to go in to sexual slumber because it marks a new season of discovery, growth, and variety.

Add to the fact that I test sex toys for a living and I cannot wait to see what spring holds for me this year.

So never feel betrayed by your body’s annual sexual fluctuations. Chances are that they exist to let you value yourself even more.

There is a young girl in my area who sings.

I say ‘in my area’ because I don’t know where exactly she is. I don’t know who she is, nor what she looks like. All I know is that she sings and that her voice can be heard from her accommodation in to my flat.

Sometimes she sings daily, sometimes weekly.

Sometimes I won’t hear her for a long time and then, reliably, her voice will ring out again for at least an hour on end.

She varies her songs but not much.

This lovely young lady is a Disney fan.

Her voice rings out with “Just Around the Riverbend” often.

It’s freeing, joyous, and loud.

When I hear her sing out her Disney solos I’m reminded of my own younger years.

I too loved to sing, and especially when it came to Disney songs.

The technology back then was not the same as now, but the sentiment behind the voice seems all too familiar.

When I hear her sing I’m transported to my childhood years. I would put on my Disney karaoke VHS, pop on my cassette tape recorder and just sing my little lungs out.

Sometimes I’d sing alone, sometimes I’d sing with my younger cousin (who was more like a brother to me at the time, as we lived together).

We’d sing then, after each song, would stop the VHS, stop the recording and wind it back to listen to ourselves.

Sometimes we sounded dreadful…okay, most of the time…but it didn’t matter.

If our voices cracked or squeaked we’d just laugh with glee, amazed to hear our voices back and caught in the wonder of being part of our Disney favourites.

Then, of course, there were the Eminem and Gorillaz raps, but we don’t mention them.

How wonderful it is to hear this girl sing.

She doesn’t give a single thought to whether or not her noises might be overheard.

She doesn’t worry about judgement, nor inadequacy.

She simply sings, for her own enjoyment. Bold and without the comprehension of fear or self doubt.

Her next ballad is always there.

Just around the riverbend.

Could you imagine if we all held just a little bit more of this girl’s philosophy to life. Or, for that matter, some of our own younger philosophies when it came to self-love, self-care, and self-expression.

When I sang as I child I did so because I enjoyed Disney, I loved the way singing made me feel; I welcomed the emotions that came with my quivering voice. Jubilation, romance, sorrow, fury.

Disney songs cover every single emotion possible, good and bad, and it never felt like the wrong thing to allow myself to experience them either. There was no anxiety around the emotions, nor even necessarily the conscious mindfulness that we’re all told to cultivate nowadays. I simply experienced them, knowing it was okay to do so, because it was all part of the song – all an expression of me and the things my mind conjured up.

Nowadays emotions come with much more apprehension. Adults tend to want to cling to the good and run away from the bad. Our negative coping tactics are many and, god knows, I’ve cycled through a fair few of them. If I were to take one single lesson from a child’s songs – allow yourself to experience a chorus of emotions – then my life would likely be a whole lot better, and that’s just one lesson.

What about the playfulness and daring of singing when we’re young?

It’s often said that children lack awareness of what’s around them and that’s certainly true. Many toddlers have just walked straight in to my leg and children have suddenly stopped dead in my tracks when I’m right behind them, causing me to have to do a sharp halt while they remain blissfully unaware of what their actions just caused. But is this always a bad thing?

In life we have to have a strong sense of self. Sure, other people’s opinions and needs are important – we shouldn’t be self centred to the point of ignorance – but you should never let your thoughts, behaviours, or sense of worth be defined by the validation and opinions of others.

I’m sorry to say that no one in this world will be liked 100% of the time by 100% of the people.

I am not everyone’s cup of tea and neither are you.

So don’t try to be.

Instead, sing your own song and know what it means to you first and foremost. Allow yourself to love and feel completely true to your own vocals and notes. Take breaths when you feel your lungs get short and your head spin. It doesn’t matter if someone else might want a smoother track, or for you to hold a note for longer Your body and wellbeing are your own, so sing in the way that best suits you.

It might not win you a finalist position on the X Factor, but it really doesn’t need to in order to make you happy.

While I’ve never seen this young girl I can’t imagine for a moment that she is scrutinising her outfit, body shape, and movements with every vocalisation either. I certainly wasn’t when I belted out ‘A Whole New World’ (I liked singing Aladdin’s parts, just fyi) and that’s how it should be.

Concern with my physical appearance has taken me to some dark places over the years. Just this week I have wrote on this topic in relation to some of my body parts. But when I sung? Nah. The feeling inside my chest was much more important then what my chest looked like, or any other part of me for that matter.

Again, I’m not saying that presentation is worthless, but make sure that the worth you give it serves you and not some expectations or external notion of what you should be. Feeling good will always trump looking good. No contest.

Perhaps it’s odd to gain so much from the spirited singing of a complete an utter stranger but, as I said, the sentiment behind this young girl’s songs rings true and clear to my own childhood and, if I’m honest, I think it might do so for others too.

If you’ve resonated with this post then please do think back to the activities you did as a child, how they made you feel, and what you might learn from them now.

We are often too critical of our adult selves, but it’s much easier to offer up compassion (and self compassion) when thinking of the child that we once were.

Abuse is a sensitive subject, especially for the person experiencing the abuse.

As someone who has been abused I can tell you that it’s hard to recognise it, let alone talk about it to someone else.

If you suspect someone is being abused but you’re not sure then you might brush it off and feel like you don’t know enough to be able to approach the situation, but let me tell you something…

If you have concerns about a child or adult’s wellbeing, the greatest danger is that you do nothing.

Who knows, things might come to nothing, or you might become someone’s everything.

However, talking to a potential victim of abuse requires certain steps, sensitivity, and safeguarding, for yourself and for the person you’re approaching.

I am not a safeguarding professional, but I do have certifications in safeguarding as part of my job. I work with potentially vulnerable individuals, children, and those under a lot of professional and athletic stress, so it comes with the territory.

From my knowledge I am going to give you some basic tips to how to approach someone that you might worry is currently experiencing abuse.

Just remember, each case is individual and each person is individual. Even if you suspect something is occurring you cannot talk for the potential victim, all you can do is listen to them and try to help and understand them, even if things do not go the way you expect.

Always Remember: It Is Not Your Role to Investigate

As much as you might want to know more in order to help an individual (especially if you care about them) it’s not your place to investigate.

Not only does trying to investigate potentially put yourself (and the potential victim) in more danger, but it’s also outside of your scope of practice or expertise.

Unless you have professional qualifications and an official job within the abuse and safeguarding sector then it is outside of your scope of practice to be able to safely and securely investigate and handle the situation.

Your capacity in helping someone is to provide support and to assist them in getting any help they might require, not in assuming you are the primary assistance they need.

Approach The Situation Carefully

If you’re going to talk to someone about anything regarding abuse then make sure that you do so in a safe, open, but also quiet space. Make sure your conversation won’t be interrupted but don’t put yourself or them in a compromising position.

And if someone comes to you to confide in you then be welcoming, even if the time or situation isn’t convenient for you.

It takes a lot of courage to approach someone and, if rejected, it might not happen again.

Remember that.

Act Like The British

Keep calm, at least, but don’t just ‘carry on.’

Instead listen very carefully. Allow the person confiding in you to talk at their own pace and give them all the time, pauses, and emotional stops needed to get through what they want to say.

If you are panicked, alarmed, angry or distressed that’s fine, but don’t allow it to show through in the moment.

If someone is confiding in you then you are their rock and their emotional oasis in an otherwise turbulent moment. Hold your emotions sturdy and allow yourself time and self care to process them later, but not during the moment.

Never Ask Leading Questions

Nor put words in a person’s mouth or ask anything that might drive the conversation away from the potential victim’s personal experiences.

If you do ask questions then ask them for the sake of clarity only and then continue to listen.

When communicating it’s also appropriate to make sure it’s age appropriate. This is especially important if you’re talking to a child or young adult, or with someone who is speaking in their second language.

Reassure The Victim

Let the person know that you are sorry about what has happened to them and that you will do all you can to help them.

Don’t promise confidentiality and don’t promise that you can fix it; you can’t fulfil those things in either instance. But there’s no harm in showing empathy, understanding, and sympathy.

Get Help

If emergency help is needed then don’t hesitate to get it.

If things are less immediate then work with the victim to identify the most appropriate services and then act accordingly.

After your conversation be sure to make notes as soon as you possibly can (in a confidential manner). This might help in any assistance that is needed afterwards, especially if this is a workplace incident.

Defer to the Professionals

Once your conversation with the person has reached its natural conclusion then all you can do from there is defer to the professionals.

Allow those with the knowledge, expertise, and authority to follow up on the incidents involved and let them do their job.

There is nothing to stop you from continuing to interact with the individual concerned, but always remember that you are a bystander to their situation, not an expert.

Be supportive and understanding. At the end of the day they will appreciate that more than anything as, chances are, they haven’t had that in a long time.

Have you ever had days where you’re just really tired?

I have.

One of them was yesterday.

I had just got back the day beforehand from a 57 mile weekend of running. My sleep had been dreadful, my appetite meant I had eaten sporadically (well, but not ‘well’, if you catch my drift) and I was just cream crackered.

I polished off a lot of Easter chocolate, added some bread (which a femme spook friend of mine would likely approve of) and then just collapsed on to my bed.

My beloved cat then leapt up by my side and settled down close, purring as he curled up next to me.

His deep, humming resonation seemed to speak to me – “Yes, it’s alright to be tired.”

Of course, this was my cat’s philosophy. He’s a cat.

When a cat is tired they leap up on to their cat tower, bundle up their body and nap the day away. Alternatively they spread their entire body out, declaring their right to a comfortable space, before soothing themselves in to a slumber.

Not once does a cat question if this is reasonable or not.

Not once do they think about writing deadlines, societal expectations, or whether or not they’re “doing enough.”

A cat is wise enough to know that if their body is tired then they need to rest.

Rest is very important.

I remember a while back I was listening to a podcast talking about sleep. We have discovered a lot about sleep recently. For example, we now know that sleep is one of the major ways that we process information from each day. We know that it regulates appetite hormones, mood hormones, health outcomes and so much more.

We also know that we need at least 7 hours of it per day to function at our best, and that catching up on ‘sleep debt’ doesn’t work very well.

On this podcast they mentioned that if you miss just 1 hour of sleep each night for a week (7 days) you have essentially missed an *entire night of sleep* that you cannot just easily nap back.

That was a sobering realisation for me.

And, the thing is, we live in a society that almost penalizes us for trying to get enough rest.

Our worth is often rated by our productivity – our business.

Even when we’re not working we’re trying to tick off a certain amount of social media posts, browsing our phones, watching TV, doing chores.

It’s gotten to the point where we can hardly distinguish between being productive and simply doing things for the compulsion of doing things, because rest is not a socially acceptable option.

Rest, has been made a luxury.

But rest should never be that.

Our bodies rely on rest in order to recover. Our cells, our muscles, every aspect of ourselves needs periods of rest in order to replenish, repair, and grow anew for the next challenge that we face. And if we’re always working at 60-70% effort we will never be able to reach our full potential when we truly want to.

Cat’s rest shamelessly for a reason.

They have darted around, groomed themselves, sought their pray, and made good of their time, but they know that if they don’t rest when their body tells them to then they will be weaker the next time they attempt their tasks.

If a cat does not gets its nap, then that’s when funny internet memes are made.

We owe ourselves more than a life relegated to being a cat internet meme.

That’s why I felt absolutely no shame yesterday when I was tired…well, it’s why when I noticed that shame, at least, I decided to challenge my thoughts and allow myself the rest my body was crying for. And, you know what? I was better off for it.

Your worth in this world will never be diminished for having to rest.

Sometimes you might even need to rest more than usual, and that’s okay too.

I’ve noticed that whenever I’m having a poor mental health bout my body just screams for me to slow to, to sleep more, to rest more, and I think it’s so easy for us to beat ourselves up if this happens, but we’d be foolish to ignore it.

Believe it or not, our bodies are very often on our sides, even if we have a different idea of what they should be giving us.

If you are screaming for rest then, chances are, you need it. You deserve it. And you should never deprive yourself of that joy.

My expectations for dildos were set by a movie.

Specifically American Pie 2.

In a scene where one of the frat boy characters – Stifler – sneaks in to a house to try and find proof that two girls are lesbians (yes, really), he comes across a dildo. In excitement he wildly starts flinging it around shouting “Dildo! Dildo! Dildo!” and, while most people were likely laughing at the scene, all my then young teenage brain could think was “Holy cow, I want it.”

ver since then my dildo hunts have been defined by Stifler’s rather illegal discovery.

I always try and weeble wobble bendy dildos in the same way he did; checking for the springy and almost rodeo-like flailing that the on-set (very not body safe) dildo that I saw so many years ago.

Only a few dildos have ever met the criteria, but I’m excited when they do.

I wouldn’t say that this has ever damaged my perspective of sex or sex toys, though it has left me with unrealistic expectations, akin to hoping that any man one meets looks and acts like Chris Hemsworth in his role as Thor (no spoilers for End Game, please).

When it comes to sex, however, I’m not so sure that I have been left unscathed.

Sex and Movies

Sex in movies is a strange thing.

I’ve you’ve ever watched This Movie Is Not Yet Rated then you know what I mean.

On screen sex is sanitised, fabricated, and highly regulated. You can show certain (often heteronormal) encounters but go in to fetishes, queer encounters, or even realistic depictions of sex and suddenly the red tape starts to amass.

The result being that movies sell us a type of sex (usually from a rather young age) that is so far removed from actual encounters that it’s hard not to feel that disparity when it comes to one’s first encounter, or even encounters that follow from there.

Humans like comparisons. We gain security in being able to connect the unfamiliar with something that can reassure us.

It’s why reviews like mine are so valuable – we offer a perspective of a product that someone might be considering but have no real-world frame of reference for. A well-done and thorough review cannot tell someone how their personal experience will go but it can give them indications of whether or not the product in question has qualities that might appeal to their needs. It’s a good exchange.

But is this also the case with movies?

Movie sex is bland but it’s also enticing. Or, at least, it’s pitched as such. Sex scenes often come with quick cuts from the camera, strong music, and deep breathing and moaning that implied near-instant gratification even from the tamest of interactions…and sometimes from the most problematic ones too.

Heck, just the other day I caught the opening of Look Who’s Talking again and was reminded of just how dated the idea of a boss shamelessly sliding his worker’s skirt up (which then leads to a sex scene) really is. And although the movie is ultimately about how dreadful this particular sleazy business man is as a person (and father figure) it never necessarily tries to say that the sexual interaction at the start of the movie wasn’t meant to depict how sex should be between two individuals (again, two white, hetero individuals too).

No Show, No Tell

But sleaze aside, the whole idea of how sex is shown in movies is so formulaic and standardized that if you’re growing up with it as your main reference point then I’d argue it can leave you with a pretty warped perspective of sex. And, let’s face it – when you’re younger sex ed and open discussions about sex are often so infrequent that movies and TV shows do typically pick up a lot of the slack.

This is why it worries me that so many movies show sex without discomfort for those trying it for the first time.

Why it irks me that so few films have condoms and lube to hand and omit couples discussing their preferences, hard No’s or any apprehensions they have outside of a few initial ‘nerves.’

Why I’m infuriated that kinks are shown as either extremely attractive or utterly absurd and comedic with no nuances in between that underpin the conversations that kink and fetish often illicit.

It’s all brushed over so that two people can stare leerily at each other before the steamy music kicks in and then kissing, pinned against a wall, and sex has commenced.

Granted, some movies and shows are getting better. I am currently watching The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina and (no spoilers) although there are a fair few scenes of multiple people having sex with no lube, no condoms, and pristine makeup (all while in their lingerie), there are also multiple scenes where people discuss apprehensions about sex, the importance of trust in a relationship, the complexity of someone who is a virgin suddenly finding themselves in situations they’d never expect, and how people who might go off with the intention of sex may find themselves in circumstances where those intentions change (with that being okay).

It’s the kind of depiction I wish I saw more in movies or had more of when I was growing up watching shows and I’m grateful for it.

But a show, especially a show about womanhood, dominance, and societal roles conflicting with self, is not a movie and movies usually have much less time to explore their sexual elements. This is kind of to be expected – a movie is about its main plot, not the small role that the sex scene plays in it – but that doesn’t excuse how poorly sex is treated by cinema as a result of this.

If a movie cannot do sex – proper, realistic sex – justice then does it really have a right to be including it at all? Intimacy is one thing, and many movies are enhanced by display of it, but is that intimacy augmented by having a sex scene? Especially if it’s unbelievable? I’m not too sure.

What I do know, however, is that I have grown up with multiple self-insulting thoughts in my head because I couldn’t match up to movie sex at times, and I have had partners or potential partners who have referenced movie scenes specifically when they wanted sex. “Let’s do it like [Insert movie here]” has come up in my sexual exchanges, and I’ve seen it come up in those around me too, providing anecdotal evidence that sex in the cinema might just be presenting some of us with a view of fucking which is absolutely absurd at best and potentially damaging at worst.

I don’t have any solutions or answers as to whether or not sex in movies is always bad or what the quick fix would be for Hollywood, however I think it’s worth us all thinking about and challenging sex scenes in movies which we find to be iconic in our minds.

When you peel away the layers you might be surprised at what is being sold to you and just how it’s impacted your own sexual relations at times.